letting go.

i have worries, fears and burdens.  my life is filled with struggle, disappointment and darkness.  in the moment, it feels just fine to carry all those hard circumstances, difficult situations and broken dreams with me, like a burlap sack full of feed.  throw it over my shoulder and walk.  keep. going. step. by. step. don't. slow. down.

my mind is a trap sometimes.  subconsciously rolling the same concern around and around, like a marble in a never-ending maze.

that's when letting go just might feel better.  maybe.

but i don't mean letting go in a nonchalant, apathetic, indifferent way.

i'm talking about taking that burlap sack filled with dirt, rocks and ugliness.  digging out each rock, pouring out all the dirt, burning the burlap sack and leaving it all behind.

write it on a piece of paper and leave it at the wailing wall.  give it to God.  let the Lord worry about it and carry it for you.  surrender the deepest, darkest parts of your heart to Jesus.  let him carry the sack.

i'm realizing, that what i worry about, fret over and can't get off my mind, doesn't have to be packaged just right or made into a fancy product for the Lord.  he hears me just the same.  he hears me.  he remembers.  he knows exactly when to act.

so i'm letting go...day by day, each and every day, giving all my burdens over to the King.  trusting that He hears and cares for me.  believing that he will not abandon me.  burning up my burlap sack full of grief, brokenness, shattered heart, disappointment, jealousy, anger, bitterness, loneliness and isolation.  He can handle it.  no matter what i feel.

so breathe in and breathe out.  and let go.  again.  and.  again.

here by david leonard, kari jobe, leslie jordan
come and rest here
come and lay your burdens down
come and rest here 
there is refuge for you now


you'll find his peace and know you're not alone any more
he is near
you'll find his healing
your heart isn't shattered anymore
he is here


breathe in breathe out
you will you will find him here


i will rest in you

On prayer...and more

Lately, I have not really known how to pray.  How do you pray in accordance with God's will if you don't know His will?  I started Anne Lamott's Grace (Eventually): Thoughts on Faith today.  She quotes Kathleen Norris, "Prayer is not asking for what you think you want, but asking to be changed in ways you can't imagine."

Today, I don't really like that.  I might like both parts separately...but not together.

I want to pray for things I want (and believe God hears me).  But sometimes, I don't want to be changed.  I want to sit in my junk and be.  I want to be sad, angry, bitter, disappointed, discouraged.

Tonight, we studied John 9, the story of the blind man Jesus healed with spit and mud.  The disciples ask WHY?  Why was this man born blind?  Was it because of his own sins or his parents' sin?

Jesus' reply was that this happened so that the power of God could be displayed in him.

Once again, that shifts my mentality and perspective in the midst of difficult circumstances.

It reminds me that my struggle, the desert, the darkness in my life is here to draw me to Him for HIS GLORY.

I love that.  It makes this hard season worth it.

Evermore - Hillsong
And as I look upon Your name
Circumstances fade away
Now Your glory steals my heart
You are holy.
Evermore my heart, my heart will say
Above all, I live for Your glory.
Even if my world falls, I will say
Above all, I live for Your glory.